I want my grave dug
dee and wide enough to fit a standing desk—
good for the posture, good for circulation.
In fact, I was born at a standing desk,
my mother going into labor
while giving a Google Slides presentation.
I myself had three meetings the day I was born,
all of them full of clapping and vigorous note-taking.
Most days I powerwalk around the office building
while listening to Dale Carnegie audiobooks and
two of my favorite podcasts which focus on the topic of success.
I listen to all of these at once and I absorb all of it.
I alternate between sitting and standing in 20-minute intervals.
I also write down my dreams
which gives me better control over them
so that I can lucid dream about my Nalgene water bottle.
As a result, I wake up feeling already productive and efficient.
For breakfast I eat flaxseed and dehydrated salmon bits.
I like omega-3's because they're the best
and I want to be the best.
I want to excel,
to pull ahead of my peers,
and you can't do that if you're sitting down
all the time.
Maybe lying down,
which is like standing but not.
I prefer fewer 90-degree angles
because they cause confusion and
night sweats and
that's why I sleep straight-legged
or curled into a ball,
the kind that elephants balance on top of at the circus.
I roll around in 20-minute intervals
and think about my breathing
while listening to TED Talks at 2.5x speed.
At my funeral,
there will be three beautiful eulogies,
all of them spoken at the same time,
while I am being lowered into the ground
along with my standing desk, yoga ball, and belVita bars,
which will keep me so regular
that the soil will be fertile enough
for something to bloom from my headstone.